By Mel Mason

“Oh my god, I am so, so sorry,” I said, scrambling from the bed and ripping the fitted sheet off as fast as possible. My period – always a sneaky bitch – had stopped for a day, but returned in full force during sex with my boyfriend. 

“It’s all good,” he said, calmly collecting the mattress protector and following me to the laundry. Even though he was being totally chill about it, I just kept repeating “I’m so sorry,” like a malfunctioning robot. I had truly never been more apologetic in my life. But why?

Up until recently, I wasn’t just apologetic if my period got on someone’s bed. I was apologetic for my period, PERIOD. “Oh, it’s that time of the month, sorry” I would say when a guy started pulling the moves on a third date or whatever. No, actually I wouldn’t even say actual words associated with periods, I’d be like “Sorry, it’s… you know,” and do some exaggerated eyebrow movements. That’s how apologetic I was about bleeding, especially around men.

Why, though? What was I sorry for? Sorry that I don’t feel like having sex with someone because my period is heavy? Or worse, sorry that they can’t do what they want to, because I don’t want to?

Then there’s the deeper issues at play. Am I sorry because I assume no one wants to “deal with” period blood? So many times, I’ve been totally turned on but have stopped sex in its tracks because of my period. Not even necessarily because the other person wasn’t keen on getting it on with me while I had it, I would stop because I’d pre-decided no one would want to. 

It’s this toxic attitude toward periods and sex that I’ve more recently abolished. It’s sex – bodily fluids are expected. Men don’t apologise for getting cum on our expensive linen sheets, so why are we always out here getting super apologetic for some blood on the quilt cover their mum got them ten years ago? Because we’re stuck in this archaic idea that periods should be a private monthly experience we go through in secret.

It’s not that you have to want sex when you have your period. On my heaviest days, I would rather do anything else, to be honest. Give me bulk hot water bottles and the best hot chocolate ever. It’s that we’ve been conditioned to feel ashamed of our period, especially when it comes to someone else knowing or seeing that we have it. There is nothing to apologise for. It’s not a taboo subject, and never should have been. 

It’s also not something anyone should feel forced into. The person you’re sleeping with may not be keen for period sex, and this should be respected, too. You also should never feel coerced into sex on your period. But usually, we don’t even get to the point of asking, because we assume period sex is off the table - which positions it as dirty or taboo. It’s not. 

Funnily enough, I’ve found that when I’ve been upfront about my period and sex, it’s been well received. I think we’ve all been terrified from high school boys teasing us about tampons and assume adults will also shame us for bleeding, but while that absolutely can happen (and please, call it out if it does!) it’s more the exception, at least in my experience. Just like my ex, most people I’ve either had period sex with, or declined sex with due to my period have been great about it. Not even great, really - just treated the discussion as normal, which is what we want anyway.

It’s easier said than done to break the habit, though. Now, with my boyfriend, I talk really openly about my period – but it’s been far easier to be so candid in a relationship. When I was single and dating, I’ll admit that my confidence was harder to find sometimes. This is generations of “how it is” we’re trying to break down here! But god, do we need to break it down.

Periods are not to be ashamed of, but we reinforce the idea that they should be a secretive experience when we act coy. So next time sex is on the cards and you’re about to do my old trick of “you know…” with some rogue eyebrow movements, try being upfront instead.